неделя, 30 септември 2012 г.

Analytical reading-Part 25


Joseph Conrad
From Mirror of the Sea

T
he love that is given to ships is profoundly different from the love men feel for every other work of their hands—the love they bear to their houses, for instance—because it is untainted by the pride of possession. The pride of skill, the pride of responsibility, the pride of endurance there may be, but otherwise it is a disinterested sentiment. No seaman ever cherished a ship, even if she belonged to him, merely because of the profit she put in his pocket. No one, I think, ever did; for a ship-owner, even of the best, has always been outside the pale of that sentiment, embracing in a feeling of intimate, equal fellowship the ship and the man, backing each other against the implacable, if sometimes dissembled, hostility of the world of waters. No display of manly qualities—courage, hardihood, endurance, faithfulness—has ever been known to touch its irresponsible consciousness of power. The ocean has the conscienceless temper of a savage autocrat spoiled by much adulation. He cannot brook the slightest appearance of defiance, and has remained the irreconcilable enemy of ships and men ever since ships and men had the unheard of audacity to go afloat together in the face of his frown. From that day he has gone on swallowing up fleets and men without his resentment being glutted by the number of victims—by so many wrecked lives. Today, as ever, he is ready to beguile and betray, to smash and to drown the incorrigible optimism of men who, backed by the fidelity of ships, are trying to wrest from him the fortune of their house, the domination of their world, or only a dole of food for their hunger. If not always in the hot mood to smash, he is always ready for a drowning. The most amazing wonder of the deep is its unfathomable cruelty.

Notes and comments:

Love:
to have a love of learning—имам влечение към ученето
to bear a love to—храня/питая любов към
to take something dear to heart—вземам присърце
to cherish—обичам много, ценя, скъпя
to have bosom feelings for—пазя в най-скрития кът на сърцето си
to be affectionate towards—предан/любящ съм към
to feel/have a fondness for someone—обичам/държа на някого
to be selflessly attached to—безкористно съм привързан към

hate:
to hold somebody in one’s hatred—изпитвам омраза към някого
to bear/have/nurse a grudge against—имам зъб на някого
to abominate—отвращавам се от, ненавиждам
to loathe—ненавиждам, мразя, отвращавам се от
to nurse vengeance against—тая в душата си отмъщение към
to resent—негодувам срещу, роптая срещу, възмущавам се от, засягам се от
to feel aversion towards—изпитвам омраза/отвращение към

to have mutually beneficial relations with (but to seek to benefit from)

to endure hardship-търпя несгоди
to display hardihood-проявявам мъжество
to have it hard on one-”много ми идва”
to be a hard man to deal with-”мъчен” човек съм
to be a hard nut to crack-костелив орех
to be hardly one’s equal-надали имам равен
to harden against someone-закоравявам се срещу
to be hard-working-трудолюбив съм
to be a hard-liner-привърженик на твърд курс съм

implacable—unrelenting—ruthless—pitiless-inexorable-remorseless-heartless = безжалостен, безмилостен, безсърдечен, жесток, неумолим

Mark the spelling of:

science, conscience, unconscionable, conscienceless, conscious, unconsciousness, subconsciously, conscientious

Note the personification of “ship” and “ocean” with the use of personal pronouns in the masculine and feminine gender respectively:

“No seaman ever cherished a ship, even if she belonged to him…” 
“The ocean has the… temper of a savage autocrat. He cannot brook…”

a glut-1) пресищане, преситеност (на пазар), излишък
a glutton-a gourmand = лаком човек, лакомник, ненаситник
to be a glutton for work—ненаситен съм на работа
a gluttony-a gourmandy = лакомия, ненаситност
to glut one’s eyes upon—гледам ненаситно
to glut oneself/one’s appetite-to gourmandise = тъпча се, натъпквам се

to defy orders—не зачитам заповедите, проявявам неподчинение
to challenge an opponent—предизвиквам опонент
to provoke undesirable reaction—провокирам нежелателни реакции

Translate the sentences listed below into Bulgarian:

She heard the house boy’s voice, he was speaking angrily, the voice of another man, perhaps it was the water carrier’s, and then a woman’s, shrill and vituperative. (William Somerset Maugham)
Now the visit of Mrs. Calkett was not altogether unexpected, for Miss Marian had guessed from chance remarks of her sister’s that something “unfortunate” had happened with young Tony. (Angous Wilson)
“And it’s yours as much as anybody else’s,” she said. (D.H. Lawrence)
Her voice had a catch in it like her son’s and she stuttered slightly. (James Joyce)
Miss Marian put on an old scarlet hunting waistcoat of her father’s, partly out of maudlin sentiment and partly because she was cold. (Angous Wilson)
They came, eight or ten of them, whispering and peering over each other’s shoulders. (Ruddyard Kipling)
Her hair is lightish, and her face is comely as a live doll’s. (Thomas Hardy)
However, they arrived at her aunt’s¾a little sweet shop in a side street. (D.H. Lawrence)
Mary Jane settled down quietly to her supper, but aunt Kate and aunt Julia were still toddling around the table, walking on each other’s heels, getting in each other’s way, and giving each other unheeded orders. (James Joyce)
Her face, healthier than her sister’s, was all puckers and creases, like a shrivelled red apple. (James Joyce)
Lily, the caretaker’s daughter, was literally run off here feet. (James Joyce)
He had been told celery was a capital thing for the blood and he was just then under doctor’s care. (James Joyce)
She was a Lady’s maid, thirty years old, come back to marry her first love . . .(D.H. Lawrence)
He was still discomposed by the girl’s bitter retort. (James Joyce)
Absorbed in his childish plotting, he had ceased to pay any attention to Miss Spence’s words. (Aldous Huxley)
There was something of a mother’s lad about him¾something warm and playful and really sensitive. (D.H. Lawrence)
Guy glanced at his wife’s untouched plate. (William Somerset Maugham)
The two men understood nothing, cared for nothing but for the passage of days that separated them from the steamer’s return. (Joseph Conrad)
It was a bachelor’s room, untidy but stiff; and though it amused her she found it intolerably pathetic. (William Somerset Maugham)
In the light of the furnace she caught sight of his drifting countenance, like a piece of floating fire. (D.H. Lawrence)
There was no throb of machines, no hum of voices, no sound at all, now, but the echo of their steps on the empty floors. (V.S. Pritchett)
The sunburn shone through the clipped white hair of his head and he had the simple, trim, open-air look of a snowman. (V.S. Pritchett)
Her arms embraced him, and by the shaking of her body he could feel that she was sobbing. (Aldous Huxley)
But now, after the kindling again of so many memories, the first touch of her body, musical and strange and perfumed, sent through him a keen pang of lust. (James Joyce)
Her profile might have been taken from a Sicilian coin of a bad period. (Aldous Huxley)
His track went straight to the edge of a frightful precipice, and beyond that everything was hidden. (Herbert George Wells)
It was slushy underfoot, and only streaks and patches of snow lay on the roofs, on the parapets of the quay and on the area railings. (James Joyce)
Outside lay gloom of a November day in London. (Ruddyard Kipling)
Has no one told you “In the Country of the Blind the One-eyed Man is King”?
Here, in Milan, in an ancient tumble-down ruin of a church is the mournful wreck of the most celebrated painting in the world¾”The Last Supper” by Leonardo da Vinci. (Mark Twain)

Analytical reading-Part 24


James Thurber
From University Days

I
t wasn’t that agricultural student but it was another a whole lot like him who decided to take up journalism possibly on the ground that when farming went to pot he could fall back on newspaper work. He didn’t realize, of course, that that would be very much like falling back full length on a kit of carpenter’s tools. Haskins didn’t seem cut for journalism, being too embarrassed to talk to anybody and unable to use a typewriter, but the editor of the college paper assigned him to the cow barns, the sheep house, the horse pavilion, and the animal husbandry department generally. This was a genuinely big “beat,” for it took up five times as much ground and got ten times as great a legislative appropriation as the college of Liberal Arts. The agricultural student knew animals, but nevertheless his stories were dull and colorlessly written. He took all afternoon on each of them, on account of having to hunt for each letter on the typewriter. Once in a while he had to ask somebody to help him hunt. “C” and “L,” in particular, were hard letters for him to find. His editor finally got pretty much annoyed at the farmer-journalist because his pieces were so uninteresting. “See, here, Haskins,” he snapped at him one day, “why is it we never have something hot from you on the horse pavilion? Here we have two hundred head of horses on this campus—more than any other university in the Western Conference except Purdue—and yet you never get any real lowdown on them. Now shoot over to the horse barns and dig up something lively.” Haskins shambled out and came back in about an hour; he said he had something. “Well, start it off snappily,” said the editor. “Something people will read.” Haskins set to work and in a couple of hours brought a sheet of typewritten paper to the desk; it was a two-hundred-word story about some disease that had broken out among the horses. Its opening sentence was simple but arresting. It read: “Who has noticed the sores on the tops of the horses in the animal husbandry building?”

Notes and comments:

to take up—заемам се с, започвам да се занимавам с
to go in for—занимавам се с, участвам в (Ex.: to go in for politics; to go in for sports—спортувам
to go in for an examination—явявам се на изпит
to go in for a competition—участвам в състезание
I don’t go in for fur coats—не съм по (не нося, не обичам) кожените палта
to engage in—занимавам се с, включвам се в, залавям се с, заемам се с, захващам се с
to embark on—(прен.) предприемам, започвам, залавям се с, впускам се в
to take something in hand—заемам се с нещо
to fall back on/upon—прибягвам до/към
to resort to-прибягвам до/към
to have recourse to—обръщам се за помощ към
to run to—(прен.) изпадам в, отивам до (Ex.: to run to the other extreme—изпадам в другата крайност)

hunting kit—ловджийска екипировка
a kit of tools—комплект инструменти, набор
soldier’s kit—войнишка торба
first-aid kit—личен превързочен пакет, походна аптечка

to go to pot-sl. отивам по дяволите
to fail completely-пропадам, загазвам, провалям се
to come to naught-осуетявам се
to lose the day-претърпявам загуба, загубвам сражението
to come a cropper-не успявам/сполучвам, пропадам, загазвам, провалям се; разорявам се, фалирам, претърпявам крах

to be cut (out) for—to show natural ability for = създаден съм само за

big bug-big gun-big dog-big shot-big pot-big wig = (прен.) важна особа, голяма клечка, големец
big beat—“големия джаз”
big deal(!)—sl. “голямо нещо,” “голяма работа” (използва се предимно иронично)
Ex.: “When you’ve washed the dishes, made the beds, and prepared the vegetables for dinner, I’ll give you 50p.” “Oh, thank you! Big deal!”

legislative appropriation—funds allocated by the Federal Government to the separate states = предназначаване/отпускане/определяне/разпределяне на суми на отделните щати от Федералното правителство на САЩ за определена цел

to hunt for a job-to look/search for a job¾to seek an opportunity = търся работа
(n.) a job-seeker

to fish in one’s handbag—ровя из чантичката си
to fumble in one’s pockets—тършувам из джобовете си
to rummage a prison—правя тараш в затвор
to ransack premises—правя полицейско претърсване
to ransack one’s brains/memories—опитвам се да си спомня
a man-hunt—хайка за хора
a search(-)warrant—разрешение/заповед за обиск
a house-to-house search—обиск на всички къщи

to be annoyed at—to be vexed with—to be irritated by = раздразнен/ядосан съм от

to snap at—to retort; to address in an angry, curt manner = (прен.) озъбвам се на, отговарям грубо (троснато, отсечено)
to snap one’s fingers—изщраквам с пръсти
The thin oar was ready to snap. = Тънкото весло заплашваше да се счупи.
to snap up—разграбвам (идеята е при покупка на особено търсена стока)
Ex.: The tickets are being snapped up like hot cakes. = Билетите буквално се разграбват.
a snapshot—моментална снимка
to start off snappily—започвам поривисто/чевръсто/живо

to shamble—тътря се, влача си краката, влача се, мъкна се (syn. to lag behind, to dawdle, to saunter, to loiter, to linger, to dally, to idle, to fall behind, to hang back, to tarry, to delay)

Shoot over to… = Бягай до…

to arrest one’s attention-to attract one’s attention¾to draw one’s attention = привличам нечие внимание

to divert one’s attention-to distract someone’s attention¾to get one’s attention to ramble = отвличам нечие внимание

to pay attention to—обръщам внимание на
to stand to attention—заставам “мирно”
to give a lady one’s attentions—ухажвам дама

to be sore on somebody—(to be irritated) = имам “зъб” някому
to feel sore about not being invited to the party
to make someone pay sorely for—връщам си тъпкано някому
to have a sore throat—имам възпалено гърло

John Sealander



Grand old hotels gradually acquire a life of their own. After fifty years or so, there are ghosts in the closets and whispers in the hallways. A sense of history permeates everything from the polished walnut elevator paneling to the ornate crystal chandeliers hanging in the Grand Ballroom. The Hotel Cleveland is one of these places. A small brass plaque near the main entrance says the hotel has been in continuous operation for almost one hundred years. It doesn't really matter that the place has gone through several major transformations and now lives on as a somewhat trendy establishment called the Stouffer Renaissance. It doesn't matter that there are keyless electronic cards to unlock your room. Or that a stocked mini-bar awaits your arrival. It doesn't even matter that I'm here on a dubious project that will be quickly forgotten while the hotel itself continues to endure. As I sit nursing a scotch in an immense formal sitting room just off the main lobby, I am struck by the fact that there is still a bit of history waiting to be played out in these halls.
Usually a place like this would be filled to capacity with management consultants, detail men from pharmaceutical companies and the occasional advertising person like myself. That's why it initially seems so surprising to notice a large, eclectic and somewhat disheveled group of hotel guests who might as well be wearing neon signs saying "I'm not a rock star, but I dress like one in hotels."
Even though these people are wandering around like they own the place, it takes me a full ten minutes and another drink before I realize what is going on. While I am in Cleveland to crank out yet another low-budget corporate video. These terminally hip folks are here to set the stage for the Grand Opening of the long awaited Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. These aren't Cleveland street people. They're not here attending a convention of aging skate punks. This is the advance guard from the Rock & Roll press. In town for the occasion are a collection of strikingly thin prisoners of fashion from MTV, Rolling Stone and Interview magazine, joined by hipper-than-thou PR flacks and equally colorful advance men for the the dozens of performers arriving to play at the Grand Opening festivities. According to one of the hotel bellmen, there isn't an available limo in town. This self-styled rock and roll elite is ocassionally confused with a similarly attired group of roadies and technicians living high-on-the-hog in the hotel on per-diems while they assemble the gargantuan revolving stage that will soon become the centerpiece of the six hour Grand Opening concert.
The juxtaposition of this calculatedly current looking entourage with the hotel's regular conservative and well-heeled business clientele is fascinating. I would have initially expected a minor turf war to errupt between the business folks and the Hall of Fame rockers. But nothing of the sort is occuring. Instead it is quickly apparent that over 90% of the business people in the hotel really wish they could be rock stars instead. An equally surprisingly percentage of the terminally hip turn out to be nothing more than business people in costume. While the business types stare at the wild clothing and talk about rock & roll fantasies, the rockers themselves talk quietly with each other about gate receipts and demographics.
I take to eating my meals at San Souci, the hotel's pricey main restaurant, just so I can watch this little drama play itself out. The first couple of days my client is still ordering room service meals, so I eat alone at a comfortable corner table where I can be sure to overhear everyone's conversation. It is uncanny. Almost without exception, when a group of traveling salesmen or meeting planners or management consultants notices one of their Rock & Roll Hall of Fame counterparts across the restaurant, the conversation immediately turns to music. From my vantage point, it appears that virtually all of these successful looking business people have seemingly abandoned a promising Rock and Roll career to pursue a life of selling printing supplies and prescription drugs. These business types don't resent the Hall of Fame entourage, they envy them. I continually overhear snips of conversation about parents that made budding rock stars give up the drum lessons just when they were starting to get the hang of things. About high school bands that never quite got that first record released. And about all the business crowd's favorite groups and most memorable concerts.
I know all these things I am hearing are true, because over the years I've experienced many of the same feelings myself. Virtually every job I've ever received a paycheck for has been a makeshift substitute for a glamorous life on the road with theRolling Stones. Advertising agencies are filled with self-important rock star wannabees, but I never dreamed that banks, brokerage houses and pharmaceutical companies were the same way. We stay at the same hotels. We record our little jingles at the same recording studios. We use the same film directors that the big stars use for their music videos, but when push comes to shove, we're still just singing in the shower. I remember that the high point of my advertising career wasn't winning a CLIO award. It wasn't getting promoted to Vice President or Creative Director. It was when me and four of my advertising drinking buddies formed an inept band called "The Fabulous Has-Beens." It didn't matter that all we could play were three-chord songs like Wooley Bully and Gloria and Louie Louie. We were the talk of the town. For a good three years we were every ad man's fantasy. We kept our well paying day jobs, bought a truckload of the flashy electric guitars and high-wattage amps we never could afford in high school. We played on Saturday nights in our favorite bars because we were friends with the owners. This was living. And it also explains why the four pharmaceutical sales reps sitting at the table next to me, resplendent in their grey Armani and Hugo Boss suits are so fascinated by the rock & roll crowd sharing our hotel
Most of us may not remember all the names of our presidents. We may not remember who went to the moon after Neil Armstrong. We may not even remember where to find Belgium on a map of the world, but we remember The Allman Brothers. We remember Chuck Berry. We remember Jerry Lee Lewis and the Kinks. We remember Eric Burden andJames Brown. We remember Brian Wilson and Little Richardand the Pretenders. And every one of us, whatever our generational label, remembers Jimi Hendrix. Personally I think it is a good thing there is a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. In an age of cynicism and rancor, music is just about the only thing left that has any potential of binding people together again. I overhear bits and pieces about this big concert the folks in the hotel are planning for the Labor Day weekend. They are talking about eclectically pairing people like Chuck Berry and Snoop Doggy Dog together onstage. I wish I could be there to see James Brown singing together with Jackson Brown. I'd love to hear Melissa Etheridge singing a duet with Little Richard. I'd love to think that real life still has the raw emotion and vitality that Rock and Roll often embodies it with.
I'm still holding this thought when my client joins me for dinner in the same restaurant to following evening. We have just about finished our video project and are feeling good. Karen is about my same age and shares the same musical memories. We enjoy a bottle of Chalk Hill Chardonnay and reminisce about the past. It appears that she, like virtually everyone in the restaurant tonight, has had her share of rock & roll dreams and fantasies. We talk about the days when "sex, drugs and rock & roll" was a viable mission statement. The days when virtually anything seemed possible and nothing was too foolish to be attempted at least once. It all seems like a cosmic joke now. The sex did nothing but get me in trouble. The drugs just made the work world that came later more difficult when I was asked to perform miracles with only half my brain cells intact. I'm still a bit ambivilant about the rock & roll though. Thinking back on this self-destructive trinity of values, I realize that rock & roll was one of the last dreams I abandoned. Don't get me wrong, I still listen to CD's in the car and stuff, but I gave away the last of my guitars and amps last year to some neighbor kids who wanted to start a thrash band. My great looking Jim Morrison leather pants don't even come close to fitting anymore anyway.
I watch the business people and rockers eat their dinners as intriguing personal revelations mingle in the air with the smell of cappuccino. It's been a nice evening. My client and I are nostalgic and half drunk. In an earlier incarnation, when sex, drugs and rock & roll were still words to live by, this would have been the perfect prelude to a torrid affair. Times are different now. Today, it's much more enjoyable to have a good traveling companion and a steady source of business income. We clink our glasses together, toasting a grand old hotel and the many unfulfilled dreams it houses tonight. A few minutes later we leave sleepy and somewhat befuddled to find our separate rooms.

John Sealander



Pechins is located approximately one mile South of Dunbar in rural Fayette County, Pennsylvania. Dunbar, about ten minutes North of Uniontown, is so small that it doesn't even appear on most maps. Nevertheless, this obscure Allegheny Mountain hamlet at the end of an unmarked county road still attracts thousands of faithful every day. What the town has to offer are the world's lowest grocery prices. Tens of thousands of people in Southern Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Eastern Ohio wouldn't shop anywhere else. In this part of the country, all you have to do is mention the word Pechins, and everyone knows you are planning some serious grocery shopping. They also know there's a good chance you're on welfare.
Pechin Shopping Village has become legendary for miles around. The place has achieved such notoriety that it is now considered a mecca for bargain hunters, senior citizens and those who have made public assistance a way of life. A pothole covered parking lot the size of several football fields is always filled to capacity with aging pickup trucks sporting gun racks and mismatched body panels, rusting full-sized American sedans and the ocassional Saturn. With the protectionist sentiment in these parts, it would take a brave person to park a Nissan or Honda anywhere near Pechins. Many local shoppers will tell you quite emphatically that Japanese steel dumping and NAFTA are responsible for the area's staggering unemployment. If you offered them a job a few hundred miles down the road however, most wouldn't take it. California might as well be a foreign country.
At certain times of year I have seen freshly killed deer strapped to the hoods of cars. And it is not uncommon to see people surreptitiously siphoning gas from each others cars in the parking lot. Strange as it may seem, all this activity seems almost tranquil when compared to the chaos taking place inside the store. The narrow twisting aisles are filled with dimwitted comparison shoppers trying to determine whether Sno-Balls are a better bargain than Ding-Dongs. The meat department makes the trading floor of the Chicago Commodities Exchange seem organized by comparison. And throughout the store, hundreds of shopping carts are overflowing with Pepsi, cigarettes, frozen pizza, kielbasa and other culinary delights.
Most of the shoppers look like they've never missed a meal in their life. Even though there is an abundance of merchandise to choose from, there seems to be absolutely no interest in products that might help shed a few pounds. In fact, the higher the fat and cholesterol content, the more popular the item. Polish sausage, bacon, ribs, beef brisket, Halloween candy and Sara Lee cakes all appear to be huge sellers. The produce section is strangely quiet, although I do see several people buying cabbages.
Many of the older men sport grimy gimme-caps featuring heavy equipment and power tool logos. The younger men and women seem to favor a Harley Davidson motif. Harley Davidson tatoos and T-shirts are evident throughout the store. And Harley Davidson decals adorn the rear windows of dozens of trucks in the parking lot. You won't find many motorcycles though. At today's prices, doctors and lawyers are buying up all the Harleys. The authentic looking bikers filling their shopping carts with frozen pizza and Pampers will evidently have to settle for a Harley T-shirt and a package of Ding-Dongs.
If you follow a few of these Harley clad customers through the check-out line, there's a good chance they will lead you directly to the Pechin Bakery and Restaurant across the parking lot from the store. The restaurant is always packed. The smell of garbage and freshly baked bread blend subtly together. The place is a Ritalin free zone. Wild-eyed kids are always screaming and there are flies everywhere, but few of the patrons seem to mind. Coffee is a nickel a cup. Hamburgers are nineteen cents each. A decent hot meal is only seventy-nine cents. You see people leaving with huge sacks of nineteen cent hamburgers. If they catch you looking at them, they will tell you with a straight face that the burgers are to feed their dogs. I wonder though. The ill-mannered, screaming kids I see running around the restaurant will likely to be dining from these burgeoning sacks of burgers for the next several weeks.
They say that Pechins was started in 1947 by a former employee of the nearby Anchor Hocking Glass factory. He could probably buythe glass factory today. The store allegedly does an amazing 30 million a year in business, more than four times the gross of your average supermarket. Pechins makes money in spite of its bargain prices by keeping operating costs unnaturally low. The store has grown continuously from its humble beginnings in a friend's basement to the sprawling 50,000 square foot complex it has become today. Nevertheless, it still looks like it hasn't been cleaned in fifty years. The place is dimly lit, the roof leaks and it would never pass a fire inspection in most states. The aisles are narrow and the floors are an almost indescribable patchwork quilt of raw concrete, cracked linoleum and warping wood. Nobody worries about the place being shut down any time soon though. Pechins has become a major employer for the entire valley, providing steady work for over 300 people. If the store goes, the entire Fayette County economy falters. I'm sure an operation this big must be operating within the letter of the law, but it doesn't appear to matter that much anyway. The locals will tell you that most of these government rules and regulations don't mean much in these parts.
You could spend a lifetime without passing through a place like Dunbar. Once you shop at Pechin Shopping Village however, you'll never forget the place. It's a bit unnerving to realize that even though a significant percentage of the shoppers look like they married their first cousin, they can all vote and will probably elect the first person to promise them an endless supply of T-bone steaks for 59ў a pound. I wouldn't doubt that Sam Walton once paid a surreptitious visit to this quiet little town with its surrealistic supermarket and nineteen cent hamburgers, cleaned up the idea just a bit and called it WalMart.
There are probably innumerable little towns like this tucked away all over the country. Other communities may not have anything as grandiose as Pechins, but they each have the same sort of shoppers, searching their favorite Targets and K-Marts for their own piece of hillbilly heaven. Although I know I won't find that elusive nickel cup of coffee at my local Starbucks, I'm ready to return to more familiar territory. I'm hungry for Thai food and I haven't seen a Lexus in a long time.

John Sealander



"Christians," said Rudy, articulating with his spoon between mouthfuls of turkey soup. "I just can't buy it. . .I mean Mark said this, John said that, Luke said something else. After 2000 years, who knows what happened. What I mean is people can't quote me right. . .and I'm still alive."I wasn't about to argue. Rudy Vallee was very much alive. It's didn't faze him that people like myself still confused him with Rudolph Valentino. It didn't even faze him that he was telling his story to four total stranger dinner guests from Texas. Rudy had an audience.
He also had, without a doubt, the best view in Los Angeles: an airborne panorama of the San Fernando Valley out the dining room window, and the rest of California from the roof terrace. The house was once Ann Harding's, but there was little doubt that it now belonged to Rudy. It was filled to overflowing with a lifetime of dinnertime conversation. The view was just a lot of real estate. But the memories. . .the memories were everything.
We listened as Rudy recounted a lifetime of poodles. Poodles who met untimely deaths. Poodles born on the road. Poodles given to the famous and not so famous. Sixty years of poodle tales, interwoven with stories of ex-wives and names we should have remembered, but didn't.
Rudy said he would have died for several of those poodles, but I hope not. The four or five that remained in the house were obnoxious in a manner that only animals raised in conspicuous wealth can approximate. They barked and yipped and left little stains on our Levi's. And Rudy was delighted. He gushed over his current favorite: a high strung gray animal with extra long legs that had an eerie resemblance to a miniature Irish Wolfhound. He cuddled and fondled the dogs like children. And of course they were.
The dogs stayed inside for dinner, since it was getting cold. But we ate outside on the terrace. Rudy's wife brought us all tennis sweaters to protect us from the 60 degree California evening. And for good measure, Rudy brought down a blue and white Madras sports jacket from upstairs. It was said he had dozens just like it, in a closet that ran the entire length of the house.
Rudy had been taking a nap when we arrived, but the combination of cool evening air and hot, family recipe turkey soup proved to be the magic elixir. The conversation changed suddenly from the weather, the view and Proposition 13 to Rudy himself. And that's where it stayed for the duration of the evening.
Rudy remembered. And who were we to question. We weren't even alive then. We heard about his days at Yale. About the Spanish teacher who would flunk everyone who didn't get a perfect score on the final. About the Yale glee club's early days. About his Saxophone. . .and how it was the genesis for everything that followed. We heard about the day Rudy saw Bing Crosby's first performance. And we certainly heard about his early recording days: the studios, the wax recordings, the musicians who became lifetime friends. This, you must remember, was all during the first course of Turkey Soup.
When the Sole Almandine, Baked Potatoes and Asparagus Tips arrived, Rudy remembered even more. He remembered he still had to get back in touch with the Readers Digest. There were still deals to be made. He told us about this idea of recording an album of his favorite songs (as opposed to an album of his greatest hits) and packaging the record with a book he planned to write explaining the story behind each song. He, of course remembered all the stories.
There were stories of live recordings made while he was singing to a lost lover in the front row who'd just left him for a sailor. Stories about his days directing the Coast Guard orchestra. And then there was Yale. The Wiff N' Poof Song was almost a book in itself. Rudy Vallee was a Stutz Bearcat, pennant waving, raccoon coat Yalie. The memories of Yale seemed more clearly etched in his memory than all his show business years combined. He remembered his teachers names, most of his classmates, and was probably one of the reasons why Yale was so well endowed.
Everyone liked the story behind the song idea. But what did we know? We'd never heard any of these songs. We had green Jello for dessert. Rudy had his without the whipped cream and went right on talking. He told us he was putting together a new show in his spare time and that he'd like to preview it for us after dinner. We were never asked whether we'd like to see this show. It was increasingly clear this was what we were here for. We finished our Jello, drank our coffee and watched the fog roll in. Rudy had been talking nonstop for well over an hour.
Every once in a while, Rudy's wife would remind him of an upcoming event, like the elephant they were supposed to ride in an upcoming Republican fund-raiser. But anything she said would only serve to remind him of another story.
In recent years I've managed to forget my first girlfriend's name, my first wife's birthday, my younger sister's age, why I majored in architecture in college and why I was am still producing television commercials. But then I never lived in a house with 35 tons of history to spur my memory.
As Rudy's latest wife, his housekeeper and the cook retired to other parts of the house, Rudy led the four of us to a small den-like room, just off the main entry hall. He'd set up an Ectagraphic slide projector on the coffee table. There were two big Sunn guitar amplifiers in each corner of the room. I saw a small theatrical spotlight with revolving gels, a portable cassette tape recorder, and in the middle of the room, a microphone on a stand with at least five different electrical switches attached to it with gaffer's tape.
Into the cassette recorder went a cassette of Rudy's all time favorite songs (his own of course). Out went the lights and - showtime. The music was loud and distorted. Rudy would sing along with himself when the songs were in a low enough key. Otherwise, he stood by the mike stand, advancing the slides on the projector with one of the gaff-taped switches. During the instrumental numbers, Rudy turned the small spotlight with the rotating colored gels on himself and began vigorously conducting an imaginary orchestra. The dim spotlight threw bizarre colored shadows on the wall behind him.
We listened to the Wiff N' Poof Song. The Coast Guard Orchestra played "Shangri-La" while Rudy showed faded slides of every mountain from the Maroon Bells to Everest. Standing in the spotlight, bathed on rotating colored lights with the music crackling through the two overdriven guitar amps behind him, Rudy totally forgot we were there. He was back on stage. He was back in the limelight again. Back on the bandstand. It didn't really matter that four slightly bewildered ad agency strangers were sitting in his den at eleven-thirty on a Monday evening, drinking coffee and nervously fidgeting. He wasn't seeing the four of us. . .he was seeing four thousand.
We clapped a little and asked polite questions when the lights finally came up. Rudy Vallee was in his eighties. I wondered if this was what it was going to be like for Eric Clapton or Mick Jagger. And I wondered even more about myself. Did everything in life ultimately just come down to this: finding someone, anyone, to talk to. . .just to validate the years you'd spent on this earth?
Rudy said it was getting late. And of course it was. But he insisted of giving us a tour of all his personal possessions anyway. We saw newspaper clippings. The cages the poodles traveled in. The Christmas Cards from the famous. The saxophone that started it all. The posters from the Broadway production of "How to Succeed in Business". The clothes he used to perform in. We watched in awe as Rudy performed a strange benediction on fifty years of dust that made up a life that had come to an end over twenty years ago.
We ended our tour and our visit in Rudy's garage. His car was a 1968 Dodge station wagon painted California highway patrol black and white, with flashing lights and a siren on the roof. There were Connecticut plates wired to the bottom of the California plates. Rudy hadn't driven in years.
It was 1:00AM when we said our good-byes. We gave Rudy a case of our client's potato chips when we left. For the life of me, I can't think of why.

Mr. Sealander


Mel would roll over in his grave if he knew that two gay guys bought his house less than a month after he died and installed a purple neon sconce in his living room. Before he retired, he sold sunglasses and costume jewelry to department stores. When I moved next door, he tried for several months to get me to join his lodge. Mel was a member of The Loyal Order of Moose and was always telling me they could use some younger members. They probably could. Mel was eighty-six years old when I met him. His wife had already been dead for ten years. Every afternoon he would put his huge red Cadillac sedan in reverse and back down the driveway until he hit my garbage cans or my other neighbor's fence. The car was riddled with dents and Mel could barely see over the steering wheel, but nobody had the nerve to tell him he was too old to drive. Once a day he would take off in the old Cadillac for a long lunch and a game of cards with his septuagenarian lodge buddies. He still smoked unfiltered cigarettes. He swore like a sailor. And he didn't mince words about the other neighbors.
Since Mel was usually smoking a cigarette in a lawn chair on his patio when I took my dog for his evening walk, we often spoke. As the sun set, he would tell me I paid too much for my house. He was convinced that Len, my neighbor behind the back fence was after his money. Once he confided in me that he'd put his yard boy in his will. Mel didn't particularly like any of the people in the neighborhood. But it was only after he died that I began to realize that his sentiments were shared by all the other neighbors as well.
I have often thought that the only reason any of my neighbors bothered to get to know me in the first place was because I functioned as a readily available audience they could prevail upon to gossip about other neighbors behind their back. They would smile and make pleasantries when they saw me walking down the street, but underneath the smiles they all hated each other. Dianne, the overweight recluse who lives immediately to my left was an object of intense speculation. Her house has always been badly in need of paint and she only mows her grass once or twice a summer, which partially explains her unique ability to generate suburban anger all the way to the end of the block. Some are irate that she never takes her garbage out. Others are steamed that she has an ugly child's wading pool on her front porch and sits in it in plain view of passing traffic during summer months.
I never had a problem with Dianne myself, but then I don't have time to fret about her domestic situation like the idle retired couples in the neighborhood who worry themselves sick about the length of their neighbor's grass. Once Dianne left me a little coffee cake on my front porch with a note that said "thanks for leaving me alone." The Norwegian Roof Rats that have made her house a permanent home still infest my greenhouse every winter, but I try to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Three years ago Dianne's house caught fire. She wasn't home at the time. All the neighbors from down the street gathered around the fire trucks whispering to each other that they hoped the house would burn to the ground. Some speculated that she must have set the blaze herself to get money from the insurance company. Nobody knew who it was who informed Dianne about the fire , but when she arrived on the scene she began screaming at all the assembled retirees and told them all to go to hell.
Some of the older neighbors are intensely homophobic. They almost had a stroke when the two gay guys next to me bought Mel's old house. A whispering campaign began almost immediately, but things took a turn for the better when the neighbors discovered the two gay guys loved to garden. Now that their grass looks greener than anyone else's in the neighborhood, the gay couple has been befriended by everyone. Republican World War II veterans now venture over to the guys house after work to share lawn care tips, carefully averting their gaze for a large oil painting of a nude man hanging on their dining room wall. A couple of catty old women down the street still refuse to acknowledge the men are gay. "Aren't those nice boys," they say. "I wonder when they're going to meet the right woman?"
Everybody likes my dog. I'm convinced that it wouldn't have taken long for the local neighborhood crime watch group to turn me in as a suspicious person if it weren't for Spot. Instead, they now offer big smiles and a friendly greeting as I pass by on my daily walks. Somehow having a Dalmatian at your side makes you above suspicion. It would behoove a pragmatic burgler or kidnapper to immediately go out and buy the best looking dalmatian they could find. When you walk a dog, your personality is immediatley transfered to the dog and you are no longer a subject of speculation yourself. People don't address me by name as I walk by. The universal greeting is "Hi Spot." Of course, I am expected to answer for the dog. People always expect an answer to questions they ask neighborhood dogs. If I respond as I am expected to, these neighbors with the big false smiles will inevitably begin talking excitedly to me about some other neighbor behind their back. I shudder to think what everyone says about me when I'm not around.
If my neighborhood represents a microcosm of the world at large, there isn't much hope for world peace. From everything I've been able to observe, people just don't tend to get along. They are almost universally judgemental and extremely territorial. Neighborhoods, states, countries. . .it's all the same. Most neighbors will give you a big smile and act friendly enough to your face, but the minute your back is turned, watch out. Of course, I am certainly not above reproach in this regard. I find myself talking about my neighbors behind their back just as much as they do. I'm doing it right now.
It is curious how essential lying has become in the modern world. Presidents lie to each other. Employers lie to employees. Husbands lie to wives. Wives lie to children. And neighbors lie to anyone who will listen. Maybe this preoccupation with lying is the essence of civilization. Lies are the grease that keeps the wheels of commerce turning. They are what keep relationships together. They are what keep my neighbors from killing each other.
I'm not sure I want to know the truth about neighbors. I'm not sure I want to know the truth about anybody. Just walking my dog, I've learned far too much already. Many neighbors are unfaithful to their spouse, Some are mean-spirited. And others are simply strange. The day I learned that one peculiar old lady four houses down from me kept her German Shepherd in her freezer for seven years after it died was the day I realized that good neighbors should always remain a mystery.

Mr. Sealander



There are many who say that Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater, the spectacular cantilevered residence he designed for the Kaufmann family during the 1930's, was his crowning achievement. I am inclined to agree. If I am anywhere within a hundred miles of this historic house, I will always try to schedule a visit. A trip to Fallingwater is good for the soul. Well, it's good for my soul anyway. I can spend a few hours wandering from room to room on a brisk Fall afternoon and my faith in objects is restored.
Fallingwater is an absolutely wonderful object. I wish I could say the same for its architect and the people it was designed for. Frank Lloyd Wright was an egotistical, petty tyrant. He had no tolerance for those who failed to share his view of the world. He fired his own brother from his firm. He routinely got in horrendous arguments with clients. He didn't believe that ordinary people could properly appreciate his creations without his watchful guidance. Wright often stipulated in his contracts that clients could not purchase new furniture or even paint without his consent.
If you've been inside many Frank Lloyd Wright houses, you'll quickly notice that the ceilngs are exceedingly low. Wright was a short man, but he firmly believed that his own height was the ideal human stature and designed his buildings accordingly. When Wright's taller brother accompanied him to Fallingwater, Wright asked him to remain seated while he was talking to the Kaufmanns because he was "spoiling the scale of the architecture."
Of course, the Kaufmanns were no saints themselves. They had all the usual vices of the extremely wealthy. Although the house was intended as a Summer residence for the family, local legend has it that the place saw widespread use as a hideaway for Edgar Kauffman Senior's trysts and affairs.
Wright and the Kaufmann family are all dead now. Their many eccentricities and character flaws seem trivial when compared to the building itself. The building lives on. It has become objectified. After fifty years of study by architecture students around the world, Fallingwater has become transformed into an icon for truth and beauty. The tour guides from the Western Pennsylvania Conservancy revere Wright and the Kaufmanns as enlightened saints, never mentioning the debauchery and petty bickering that allegedly went on inside the building's thick flagstone walls. Today, busloads of well-scrubbed and well-meaning people come to worship at this altar of architectural significance. Although I can easily appreciate the irony of the situation, I too come to pay my respects.
Frank Lloyd Wright was an asshole. But still I love this remarkable object he created. I will be the first to admit that like many men, I often feel more comfortable around objects than people. When men gather together, the talk quickly turns to objects. Depending on age, socioeconomic status, education and political persuasion, men will talk for hours about the virtues of cars, guns, computers, furniture, model trains, cameras, record collections, hand-painted ties, titanium bicycles, power tools and Frank Lloyd Wright houses. Women friends will often ask me if a male acquaintance is married, has children or is happy in his relationship. Usually, I don't know the answer to these questions. The subject never comes up.
Men, of course, often talk about women. But you don't have to listen very long to realize that you could substitute the words "motorcycle" or "bass boat" for the word woman and the conversation would usually make just as much sense. When I graduated from architecture school, the majority of our senior class would have traded their current girlfriend for an Eames Chair, or in some cases even a nice looking lamp. We had spent six years drooling over these objects in Stendig and Knoll catalogs and it seemed perfectly logical to us that a good chair could provide the key to a better life. Over the years, Eames Chairs have diminished considerably in importance to me and I have developed many close friendships with women. I do not feel particularly enlightened however. Perplexed is probably a more accurate emotion. The more I began to enjoy women as genuine friends, the less interested I became in sex. I don't dwell on this though, because it's just too depressing.
There is a comfort in objects. If you buy a Ford, you know you won't go down to the garage the next morning and find it has transformed itself into a Chevrolet during the night. The right object can become a stable frame of reference that can mold and shape a person's life. I'm sure there are men who became social workers out of a genuine desire to improve the human condition. But there are many more men who became architects because Lincoln Logs were their favorite toys when they were children.
It is probably not politically correct to revere objects anymore. But I know most men still do. Even the sensitive new age guys I know: the ones who claim to reject materialism and its trappings, can get pretty excited by a new high-tech kayak or a lightweight 24-speed bicycle. I don't even try to pretend. I like all types of objects, but it is architecture that really does the trick for me.
I never designed my own house. I never even took my certification exams after I graduated from architecture school. But I still can appreciate a well-designed building. There is a permanence to architecture that makes what I am currently doing seem trivial by comparison. Advertising is not about objects. It's about politics and people: about influencing others to do what your client wishes. Advertising is a lot like prostitution. Some of my self-important art director friends think design annuals and award shows objectify their efforts, but they are wrong. You still wrap fish with advertising, while objects like split-window Corvettes, Frank Stella paintings and Fallingwater are worshipped as cultural icons.
This is the fourth time I've visited the Kaufmann family's spectacular retreat tucked away in Pennsylvania's Laurel Highlands. Every time I learn something new. I still love to hear how Wright wanted to cover the entire exterior of Fallingwater with gold leaf to blend with the Fall foliage. I'm amused to hear how he carefully hid all the steam radiators in the house because he thought they were ugly. Fifty years later, the fact that Wright only allowed the Kaufmanns to use the colors Cherokee Red and Gold within the house becomes less of a character flaw of Wright's and more of a way to enjoy the object itself. The fact that Wright insisted on polishing the fieldstone floors in the main living area with a solution of varnish and Johnsons Wax to resemble a wet stream bed is admittedly kind of silly, but the effect is actually quite stunning.
My life will never be as structured and orderly as Fallingwater. It will never have the precision of a Swiss Army Knife. It probably won't even have the glamour of a Philipe Starke juice squeezer. But it's nice to know that these objects exist.

Mr. Sealander



Times have definitely changed. I couldn't imagine my parents taking my two sisters and I to Las Vegas on vacation. We always went camping in National Parks instead. When I was growing up, Vegas was as foreign as Marrakesh. It was a mysterious, slightly sinister place where Sammy Davis and Dean Martin hung out, but it was certainly no place for a family of white-bread, middle class Lutherans. If my Mom was any kind of barometer, Las Vegas was more or less the summer home of Satan himself. But as I mentioned, times have changed. Standing in front of me at the cab stand at the Las Vegas airport is an attractive, well-scrubbed family that has no problem with the city whatsoever. They're from Houston. Each of them is wearing matching TAG Heuer sportwatches and are talking excitedly about going to see Siegfried & Roy.
These people, and thousands like them, have transformed Las Vegas from sin-city to a place a busload of visiting Baptists could enjoy. Sure, people still smoke and drink and stay up all night long gambling, but somehow this decadence has managed to become as American as Apple Pie. You see young couples struggling with baby strollers as they attempt to negotiate the steps to their upstairs table at Planet Hollywood. There are almost as many listings now for baby sitters in the Las Vegas yellow pages are there are for escort services. Kids are everywhere. On an average afternoon you'll see more teenagers with coupon books for Wet & Wild walking up and down the Strip than you'd see at The Mall of the Americas.
Granted, this hasn't all happened overnight. It's been coming for a long time. But on this particular visit, the transformation seems complete. For the first time in recent memory, the gauntlet of street people passing out brochures for the downtown titty bars is gone. The ankle deep piles of discarded flyers on the sidewalks are gone. There aren't even many posters for "The Girls of Glitter Gulch" perched on the roofs of taxi cabs. In less than a year Las Vegas has become sanitized, homogenized and much easier to rationalize as a destination for well-scrubbed families from around the world. If visiting Las Vegas used to seem like going to the zoo, it now seems a lot more like looking in the mirror.
Nowhere is this transformation more visible than at the new Hard Rock Hotel. This shrine to the post-MTV generation points directly towards the future. Instead of acres of lurid, florescent, floral print carpet, there are bleached hardwood floors. Instead of another all-you-can eat buffet there is the tasteful elegance of Mortoni's, a new Peter Morton creation every bit as good as the L.A. original. Gamblers sit around funky black roulette tables in the shape of grand pianos. Slot players pump rolls of dollar coins into spiffy new Jimi Hendrix machines hoping to line up three Purple Haze symbols for the big jackpot. The Cashier isn't even called a Cashier anymore. You cash in your winnings at "The Bank of Hard Rock." At a casual glance, there isn't a single square foot of traditional green felt in sight on the casino floor.
Don't get me wrong though. These are all cosmetic changes. Scratch the surface and you'll find that Las Vegas is still a place where self-indulgence reigns. Where greed is a mission statement. Where people still believe their luck can actually change against impossible odds. The only difference now is that the row of shiny Harley Davidson bikes parked in front of the Hard Rock Hotel belong to thirty-something doctors and lawyers. And the multitude of brides walking in full wedding garb through the casinos with a rose in one hand and two kids in tow in the other are likely to be your co-workers.
Vegas hasn't changed. People have changed. Avarice and greed are a lot closer to what now passes for family values than many people would care to admit. Las Vegas has become a place where you can see quite graphically that Andy Warhol was right. Not only does everyone want their fifteen minutes of fame, they want it now. Nobody is buying delayed gratification anymore. They worship instead at the temple of ten-to-one odds. With a wallet full of traveler's checks, a new swimsuit and just a little luck, life is sweet.
One morning after breakfast, I notice that a section of the Mirage where I am staying is roped off. Universal is filming Sargent Bilko and Steve Martin, the star, is being asked to walk through a section of slot machines over and over again. With each successive take, Martin appears more and more like your average working stiff. He may be worth millions, but he has to stand on his mark and wait for his cue just like the extras. Between takes, he drops a few quarters in a nearby slot. None of this is lost on the assembled peanut gallery of hotel guests who are much more interested in making their own movies than in what the director is doing. When the director says action, a small army of camcorders begins recording. These assembled guests could care less about Steve Martin. They are totally absorbed with their own fifteen minutes of fame, using their camcorders to record both the event and each other from every possible angle, for no other reason than to prove they were there. The whole experience is disorienting. Am I watching a movie? Am I in a movie? Or did the Mirage just hire Steve Martin to be part of the everyday afternoon spectacle? This whole thing might just be an indoor alternative to watching the Pirate Ship sink next door, or the volcano out front errupt at fifteen minute intervals.
Maybe my Dad was right. Maybe this whole thing isn't quite as simple as a generational paradigm shift. Maybe I am witnessing one of the signs of the apocalypse. My friend Janet and I aren't winning anything anyway, so we decide to find out. We rent a car and head north to visit a National Park.
As we gain altitude, climbing out of the valley toward the high desert of Northern Arizona and SouthWest Utah, it is easy to see Las Vegas as an aberration. There is a purity in the crisp desert air that creates another kind of illusion: an even more insidious illusion than the one we had just left behind. When you're driving along at eighty miles an hour on picturesque Western highways, it is easy to imagine that freedom and money are totally unconnected. That there is enough space to find happiness under these wide-open Western skies without having to play by other people's rules.
This illusion is quickly shattered when you start to see crudely hand-painted signs along the roadside warning motorists about the United Nations and the impending New World Order. You stop for gas in charming little towns that aren't even on the map, and realize you wouldn't last a week as a resident. The diversity and openness that characterize Las Vegas at its best are totally absent here. The wrong kind of car, even the wrong haircut are enough to brand you as an outsider for life. If you wanted to live in one of these high desert, largly Mormon towns, you would definitely need to play by the prevailing set of rules.
When we arrive at our destination, this feeling of playing by other people's rules is accentuated even further. Zion National Park is spectacular, and the Park Service has a plan for keeping it that way. It's all in a little book you get when you hand over your money at the entrance gate. If Las Vegas is a blinking neon sign in the desert that says Yes, then Zion National Park is a rustic hand-carved sign that says No. There are flowers you can't touch. There are streams you shouldn't go near. There are places you can't smoke. There are animals you can't feed. There is firewood you can't use to make campfires with. There are trails you can't hike on after dark. There are probably places in the middle of nowhere where you can't even pee. This is a perfect example of the government at work. A group of well-meaning bureaucrats decide they know what's best for you and all the sudden you can get fined if you recklessly walk across a creek on a dead tree trunk.
Zion, like many Western parks is trying to reduce traffic by limiting access to motor vehicles. You are encouraged to take a tram through the main canyon. Actually this wouldn't be such a bad idea, if it weren't for the fact that our tram driver has himself worked in a lather over some tourist who had passed his tram earlier in the day doing a blistering thirty miles per hour. Instead of describing the rocks above, he spends the entire trip talking about how he is going to make sure the Park Police catches this dastardly speeder and makes him pay a big fine. This guy has the zeal of a recovering alcoholic, and seems to see no irony whatsoever in his role as tram driver and protector of the public good. Telling him to "chill out" would only serve as impetus for another fifteen minute lecture, so I keep my mouth shut.
In four hours we have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. Las Vegas is a laissez faire paradise where anything goes if you've got the money to pay for it. Zion National Park is a literal scenic paradise where absolutely nothing escapes the scrutiny of a government determined to look after your best interests. Both environments are an illusion. Given a choice however, I'm convinced I'd prefer a pocket full of money and a spin of the wheel than a scenic vista with a park ranger behind me telling me where I can pee. The contrasts are fascinating. Las Vegas is an ugly stain on the desert where smokers are still welcome, where people of every race, nationality and creed temporarily shed their differences to follow a common desire to beat the odds. If you look across the floor on a busy night in one of the larger casinos, you can almost imagine the crowd spontaneously bursting into a rousing chorus of "We Are The World." Zion on the other hand is a beautiful piece of real estate hemmed-in by a phalanx of arbitrary rules and regulations. Even the newly sanitized, family-friendly Las Vegas is a land of opportunity compared to the wide open spaces of the National Park System.
Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe I'm just imagining this paradigm shift. It's a strange enough world as it is, without Las Vegas becoming a legitimate source of family values and the wilderness an equally perplexing source of bureaucratic rules and regulations.
Just to make sure, I decide to give the Park System one more chance. Especially since there is an even more spectacular Park just an hour or so up the road. We continue driving and arrive at Sunset Point overlooking Bryce Canyon just about an hour before sunset. The rich tapestry of forms and colors in the canyon below makes anything Las Vegas has to offer look like a child's Lego set by comparison. About fifty feet from the canyon's edge is a large sign that announces in English only that under no circumstances should anyone feed the prairie dogs and ground squirrels in the park, since they are known carriers of The Bubonic Plague. A group of Germans, completely oblivious to this rather ominous message, are feeding several rather tame ground squirrels right next to the warning sign. Maybe the Park Rangers have gone home for the day, but this is more like it.

John Sealander



Why this particular company chose to have its Christmas party at a downtown salt water aquarium I'll never know. The choice was oddly appropriate however. I nursed my drink, watching first the colorful fish and then the equally colorful revelers. Both groups seemed to be milling around aimlessly. The fish circling endlessly in their tanks, occasionally defecating on the shell fragments and detritus that littered the bottom, while the crowd of people outside the glass, mixed drinks and hors d'oeuvres in hand, did essentially the same thing.
I had never really envisioned my peers as tropical fish before, but now I can't get the image out of my head. In a season where is is easy to attend twelve holiday parties in a seven day stretch, the aquarium analogy becomes increasingly appropriate.
At the parties hosted by photographers, film companies and ad agencies, everyone dresses with a studied flamboyance, circling continually through a crowd of vaguely familiar faces. Everyone is making a mental note of who is there, but few people actually talk to one another. On one hand, this could be because of the ubiquitous loud band playing in the corner. On the other hand, it could be related to the fact that as a group, these media mavens are uniformely shallow and have little to say anyway. Small groups of fashion models in black knit dresses huddle together, refusing to talk to anyone. Older, self-styled creative types with their pony-tails still intact, suspiciously eye younger counterparts sporting contemporary marine recruit haircuts. Young women in bare midriff tops and black silk slacks proudly display their Stairmaster stomachs to the general irritation of another generation of women who have begun to feel the effects of gravity and time. Everyone drinks too much. And the high-decibel ambient noise provides an environment of isolation that makes the idea of conversation ludicrous.
At a large holiday party there might be five hundred people in a room designed for fifty, but everyone is still conspicuously isolated. The revelers circling through the crowd might just as well be driving alone down a crowded freeway with their car stereo turned up all the way. Everyone is reduced to colorful fish in a tank.
At one of these parties I am struck by a chance conversation I'd had with a friend earlier in the day. I hadn't seen Carol in almost three years. She was a local agency producer and I had made an appointment to show her my reel in hopes of picking up a little business. I played my tapes. We chatted a bit about old times. And it didn't take long for me to notice that something was different. The Carol I knew could put me to shame with her sharp tongue and cynical worldview. This Carol seemed almost happy. I mentioned something about this to her and she smiled and told me she'd had a good year. "It took me fifteen bad ones to come up with one like this," she said, but she wasn't complaining at all. She told me how she was sent to New Guinea for three months to film a commercial using tribal people as the principal talent. Carol said the film crew went to New Guinea expecting the natives to be ignorant and difficult to work with, but that before they were finished, everyone on the crew realized they had much more to learn from these indigenous people than they had to offer in return.
Her tale sounded suspiciously at first like she'd exchanged her cynical trappings for a bunch of new age claptrap, but I continued listening. Carol explained how the tribe she was working with had lived in the same four hundred square mile area for over a thousand years. She said that during that thousand years they had never learned to drive automobiles, make cappuccino, or program computers. There were no roads, no telephones and nobody in the tribe had a job. These people considered the land they hunted and fished on as theirs, but had no concept of real estate or private property. The children in the tribe were well educated and many spoke English, but they did not know how old they were. Birthdays were never celebrated. There was no divorce in the tribe. Carol said since many in the film crew had been divorced several times, there was much curiosity about what the tribe's secret was. When asked, one elder said in essence, "where would we go? This is a small island. It's easier to learn to get along." So that's what the tribe did. They spent a thousand years learning to get along. Carol said she felt more connected to other people during the few months she spent with the New Guinea tribe than she had during the entire time she had lived in Dallas.
She almost died after eating an unnamed poisonous fish during her visit, but still considered 1995 her "lucky" year. I asked if she had ever considered that everything in Dallas was just as fucked up as it usually was, but that she herself had changed? She smiled and said she'd considered the possibility.
As the ongoing succession of holiday parties inches toward the new year, it is apparent to me that no matter how many people are gathered together at these celebrations, there is absolutely no feeling of being connected. We revelers are all tropical fish in a tank. Parading. Preening. But never even attempting to communicate.
I'm wondering if this self-imposed isolation is a function of age, occupation, or perhaps a bit of both. The one holiday party that I actually enjoyed was the one I almost refused to attend. It was hosted by a bunch of real estate agents. I wasn't going to be caught dead with this crowd of heathen. But having nothing better to do, I went anyway. Surprisingly, it was here where I wound up finding what I'd been hoping to discover at the more fashionable media gatherings. The guests were all older. They just didn't give a shit. They laughed. They were politically incorrect. They made fun of each other. They were confident about who they were. Keeping in the Christmas spirit of things, they all brought presents to put under the tree. The idea was that everyone selected a present and opened it, but that if you liked someone else's present better, you could go up and steal it from them. According to the rules of this game, a present could be stolen three times before it finally found it's true owner. Purposefully, some presents were quite nice and others were trash. The guests attacked the presents like piranhas, and seemed to take great pleasure in stealing the good stuff from each other while making fun of the people who got stuck with the junk. They had absolutely no pretensions about who they were and you got the distinct impression that they stole each others listings with equal zeal and abandon.
I listened to a group of older men tell me how they put those plastic crown air fresheners you always see in taxicabs on the dashboards of their Cadillacs and Jaguars to keep them from getting stolen. When I started laughing uncontrollably and told them this was the silliest thing I had ever heard, they just gave me a knowing look and said that no one would steal a car from a brother. They were all crazy as loons. One said he had to keep his crown hidden in the glove compartment until he got out on the open road, because his wife gave him too much shit about it.
I was starting to see why Carol felt so transformed by a distant group of tribal people who could actually talk to one another. In three weeks of arduous holiday celebrating, the closest I had come to seeing anything remotely resembling a connection was in the eyes of a group of old men laughing about the plastic crowns they kept on their dashboards.
I had briefly tried to explain to Carol how the internet might serve as a vehicle for reestablishing those connections with others our own society had inadvertantly severed. Almost instantly I realized what a lame argument this was. What was I thinking? The internet is just a new high-tech way of keeping our distance. The last party on my holiday circuit was hosted by one of those up-and-coming companies with one foot in the future and the other in your wallet. I had the pleasure of seeing my homepage displayed on a gigantic Sony jumbotron high above my head. A loud band called Experimental Barbecue played music I'd never heard of. Nobody talked at all.

John Sealander





Chapter 1: Leave it to Beaver
I sail through what appears to be an idyllic childhood, oblivious to the fact that my Mom is manic/depressive, my Dad never talks and there isn't a television to be found anywhere in the house. As the child of a scientist, I visit every national park, spend summers in exotic locations, courtesy of NIH grants and your tax dollars, and am the only kid in the third grade designing space ships and trying to read every single Robert Heinlein novel in the Fayetteville public library.


Chapter 2: Weird Science
Determined to follow in my taciturn Father's footsteps, I become a science nerd. I have a chemistry set in my bedroom, excel at Geometry and become obsessed with winning the State Science Fair. My nerd friends and I try to discover comets with a telescope I got for Christmas. We watch the Twilight Zone on Friday nights. I never win the State Science Fair, but do win First Prize in the local Junior High Science Fair with a contraption built out of an old refrigerator compressor, an auto distributor coil and a bunch of glass tubing. When it worked, it could make make a spark fly for three feet between two nails.


Chapter 3: It's only Rock 'N Roll (part 1)
I discover the guitar and the Rolling Stones at the same time. My grades plummet. My parents are horrified when I get in a band with two fat little gay guys and the only juvenile delinquent at our high school. We play at teen clubs that don't serve alcohol, so the kids take acid instead. I abandon plans of becoming a physicist studying sub-atomic particles and decide that I am destined to become an artist. Mysister however, decides to carry on the family tradition and become an academic.


Chapter 4: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
I move away from home for the first time and my grades plummet even further. My first semester GPA is 1.6. I discover drugs, Dostoevsky and theDe Stijl movement at the same time. I experiment with every kind ofpharmaceutical you can put in your mouth. When this doesn't produce the desired results, I experiment with studying. Eventually, I pull myself out of the gutter and make the Dean's List. I get married way too young. I win many student design awards and am at the top of my class in architecture school, but the freshman year I squandered keeps me out of the good graduate schools. I say to hell with it and we move toAspen instead.


Chapter 5: Desperately seeking the Maysle Brothers
I won't want to be an architect. What was I thinking of? A friend shows me the secrets of getting grant money and six months later I'm a documentaryfilmmaker. I'm the producer/director of a little regional series on PBS. I'm faking it. I barely know how to load the Eclair NPR camera I have been graciously loaned to film the show with. I practice loading it again and again on the kitchen table with white leader. I am terrified my show is going to be canceled before it ever begins. I check out every book in the library on filmmaking and editing. By the sixth or seventh show, I finally produce a decent one. One of the last shows gets nominated for some sort of press award, but the grant is not renewed. Somewhere during all this chaos, my wife leaves me for another woman. I pack my bags and move to Oregon.


Chapter 6: Adland
On the theory that I can succeed in advertising without a portfolio or any useful skills if I can just find a place where people know even less than me, I makeEugene, Oregon my new home. I live in a KOA campground until I find a job. Six months later I am living with the creative director of one of the only agencies in town. I have a job as a producer at the same agency. We do commercials for car dealers. Marsha teaches me everything she knows, and then we both get fired. She tells me everything was fine until I came to the agency, and that I have ruined her life, but she moves to Seattle with me anyway.


Chapter 7: Thirty minutes of fame.
Everything clicks. At 25, I am the creative director of a nice little ad agency in Pioneer Square. I have a sofa and a fireplace in my office. I think I'm hot shit. Marsha doesn't get a job and wants to kill me.She meets the man of her dreams, but never acknowledges that it might have been me that brought them together. I move up in the ad world, getting a job at one of the best agencies in town. I buy a Maserati. I soon win lots of awards at Cole & Weber and subsequent agencies, but burn my bridges faster than I can build them. Within four years I've squandered all the good ad agencies in town. When my new girlfriend finishes her Ph.D at the University of Washingtonand goes on the job market, I decide to move to Texas with her. I know if I don't, I will soon be run out of town on a rail anyway.


Chapter 8: Southern Living
Nothing clicks. Texas ad agencies aren't the same. I realize I've made a big mistake, but forge ahead anyway. I'm bored. My girfriend falls in love with another professor. I start dating students. I don't win any more advertising awards. Instead, I write dull and predictable commercials for manufacturers of sausage and lunch meat. I'm desperate for a jump start, and I buy a guitar again.


Chapter 9: It's Only Rock 'N Roll (part 2)
I join a band with some friends of mine at work. We call ourselves The Fabulous Has-Beens. For five years we have the time of our lives pretending to be rock stars. We don't give up our day jobs. We live in the past, playing our favorite songs from college at our favorite watering holes. We even open for Thomas Dolby once. Then the inevitable happens. The lead guitar player divorces his wife and starts dating our lead singer. The drummer, who happens to be my boss, tells me that the company is downsizing and I am going to be laid off. The band does not survive.


Chapter 10: Taking care of business
I run a personals ad and meet an eminently practical woman who encourages me to start my own business. Since nobody will hire me anyway, I take her advice. I also move in with her. It doesn't take long to discover I am well suited to working on my own. Without the distractions and office politics, I am actually very productive. My new company succeeds beyond my wildest dreams. But since I never had any dreams, wild or otherwise, about being a businessman, I am a bit perplexed. I get busier and busier. We get a dog. Eventually, I do nothing butwork 14 hours a day and walk the dog. I'm not having any fun, but I'm wondering if all the chaos that preceded this was that much fun either. Life is simple. I am reasonably content. My bank account is growing and for the first time in ages, I am staying out of trouble. Then I discover the Internet.


Chapter 11: Looking for Ms. Goodbyte
I rationalize my new internet account as a business productivity tool. But strangely, I am not becoming more productive. Instead, I am wasting time again, just like I did at the ad agencies. Instead of writing 14 hours a day, I'm downloading files, gossiping with new friends, subscribing to mailing lists, messing around with CU-SeeMe video and generally avoiding anything that looks like work. I might as well be watching Ricki Lake every afternoon. I am just about to get a grip on things, when one evening I am surfing around and discover a post from Joan Pontius in an obscure little newsgroup called alt.bitterness.


Chapter 12: Prelude
In less than four years, my feelings about the Internet shift from euphoric to nostalgic. The golden years are over. An e-mail address becomes as essential and just as irritating as the telephone number it was supposed to replace. Car dealers and carpet cleaning companies have web sites. Spam fills my mailbox. Clients tell me I don't have enough bandwidth. They want to videoconference. Perhaps travel to distant lands is the answer. Or maybe the answer is much closer to home. I'm getting older. I am not getting wiser. Nevertheless, I have managed to stay in the game longer than many of my friends and competitors. It's time for something new. In a burst of manic energy I decide to collect my thoughts before I get Alzheimer's. The resulting essays get nominated for Web Site of the Year. Who knows what's next. The fat lady hasn't sung yet.

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Nawthorne

http://www.columbia.edu/itc/english/f1124y-001/resources/Young_Goodman_Brown.pdf